Cuban Health Statistics Continue to Embarrass West

Cuban authorities mocked American health care providers today after the PAHO, the Pan American Health Organization, unveiled its report on health care at Madison Square Garden.

"In your face." jeered Juan Batista, Senior Health Advisor to Fidel Castro, after the report once again documented that on many of the most critical criteria - life expectancy, infant mortality, doctors as percent of population, and national health expenditure as percent of GNP, the Cuban dictatorship equaled or beat America.

Reached in the locker room not long afterwards, former US Surgeon General Everett Koop wiped away a tear. "We'll get them next year. Remember, we still have liposuction techniques that those reds can't touch."

The fallout after this embarrassing debacle, in which a poor third world country trounced the richest and most technologically advanced nation in the world, reached as far as the IMF and World Bank as economic leaders converge in Washington. A shamefaced Stanley Fischer remarked: "How can we defend our system of open economies and free market capitalism when these lawn jockies kick our butts on infant mortality?"

Fischer will have a particularly hard sell when he journeys to Jakarta next week to renegotiate a debt relief program. Indonesia, like many third world nations aligned to Washington during the cold war, relied heavily on coaching staff from the WHO, The World Bank, and the IMF. In terms of basic health care, however, they have little to show for their loyalty. Infant mortality in Indonesia is 43 per 1000, and life expectancy is 65 years. Cuba's rates are 7 per 1000 and 76 years, respectively, and have actually improved since the loss of Soviet economic support in 1989.

At a post-game press conference, the CEO's of Merck and Pfizer reacted with disappointment at the Cuba win and vowed to reallocate their resources with a goal of beating Cuba in 2001. "That means no money for marketing high profit 'lifestyle' drugs such as Viagra, Prozac and Ritalin. From now we're in the business of saving and prolonging lives as effectively as possible." said Pfizer's CEO.

The Americans were heartened by other statistics that indicated that the wealthiest 20 per cent of Americans had access to far better health care than the average Cuban. President Clinton stated: "Now we all know that we've got to be patient as we wait for those benefits with trickle down to the rest of us. But I understand the concern many Americans feel that it seems to be taking far too long."

President Clinton added that "There is reason for hope that America will pull ahead, as we still have the ability to prosecute corporations and individuals who violate the blockade and sell medicines to the Communist dictatorship." He pointed to the Torricelli Act and the Helms-Burton act as examples of how bi-partisan efforts can put pressure on the Castro regime. "The Cubans, for example, can't buy the only effective treatment for pediatric leukemia."

The health care conference was the highest rated pay-per-view event since the Tyson-Holyfield fight. The crushing loss was devastating to US fans, who had packed into sports bars across the country. In the final minutes of PAHO's presentation, as the results were read, Fidel Castro further enraged Americans by making the "choke" gesture at President Clinton.